Thursday, August 27, 2015

Hate Math -- 21 Reasons (NOT) . . .

Two four-letter words that I want NEVER to be used TOGETHER are hate and math.  A lively contradiction to my wish is provided by the following piece by slam poet Shappy Seasholtz.

(For details on the World Poetry Slam to be held in Washington DC on Oct. 7-10, 
scroll down to the bottom of this posting.)

21 Reasons Why I Hate Math     by Shappy Seasholtz

1 - It's my worst subject.
2 - I failed Algebra in high school.
3 - When I retook Algebra in high school during the final exam the principal announced that the space shuttle had just blown up.
4 - The space shuttle probably blew up because of a mathematical error. 
5 - I got terrible scores in math on my ACT's and my SAT's thus dooming me to a lifetime of liberal arts.
6 - A right angle is 90 degrees. It is 90 degrees outside as I write this and it is hot and miserable.  I hate 90 degrees.
7 - If a train leaves Philadelphia at 1:45PM at 55MPH and another train leaves NYC at 1:55PM at 65MPH, then why do I always end up sitting next to a bunch of drunk businessmen drinking 40 ounce cans of Lite Beer talking too loudly about sports? 
8 - Men from ancient times who created Mathematics slept with little boys.
9 - Subtraction means you take something away from someone and nobody likes having their stuff taken unless you are having a tumor removed.
10 - Addition means you put something into something and that is why this planet is overpopulated.
11 - Money is just a bunch of numbers written on paper and we all pretend it means something.
12 - Most people don't know how to calculate a 15 to 20 percent tip on a credit card tab and just round up to the next highest number.  These people should be rounded up and shot.
13 - Math was somehow used to invent computers and the internet which despite how advanced that seems it seems to have somehow made people stupider. 
14 - Even people who are good at math can't figure out why their paychecks are so small and their cell phone bills are so big.
15 - My girlfriend understands the concept of compound interest when it applies to her 401K but not how it applies to my comic book collection.
16 - When you are born, the government assigns you a number.  This seems evil to me somehow.
17 - There's a lot of talk about how many apples someone has in math problems and it makes me hungry for apples.
18 - The same thing happens when someone discusses the concept of "PI".
19 - Math made Russell Crowe go crazy in that one movie.
20 - A trapezoid sounds like a really cool monster that Godzilla might fight but it's really just a stupid looking rectangle thingy.
21 - Because 7 ate 9!

The poem above is found on my bookshelf in the collection Rhythm of Structure:  Mathematics, Art and Poetic Reflection, collected by John Sims a few years ago and available here.  Columbus, Ohio poet Seasholz is a National Poetry Slam Champion and is the creator of the Nerd Slam, a poetry competition that is half nerd poetry, half trivia-off.  

 The Individual World Poetry Slam (IWPS) is headed to Washington, DC on October 7-10.
Seventy-two poets will compete for the title over a four day festival. The festival also includes performance workshops, writing workshops and more. Join us for this great opportunity to network, perform, and watch some of the greatest poets in the world compete. Tickets went on sale August 17th. Visit the web site to learn more

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